Evita

I watched Transporter 3 this weekend on HBO. Totally rocked. After that the tv drifted on to Evita, the musical story of Eva Peron played by Madonna. That made me think of the original Broadway commercial which I most likely saw on the cable in my misspent youth.



And that made me think of Slim Whitman and SCTV.



SCTV was kind of spotty at best, but when they were good, they were really good. I've watched this about 5 times recently and it makes me laugh a good, hearty laugh. I can't even see Mandy Patinkin singing that without expecting him to spike it into a yodel.

Dunkin' Donuts

Here's one I was thinking of for a while but couldn't find. The key was searching for Michael Vale (the guy who played Fred the Baker).

This is a classic of commercial comedy. I love the finger over the mustache and the line "No... ma'am". Excellent!



Vale did over 1,300 commercials before retiring in 1997. He was best known for his work with Dunkin' Donuts. Remember this classic?

Sylvania beat Sony again?

Nandeska means "What is this?" according to Google. This one still sticks in my mind. To this day if I come across something that is outrageous, I'll say "nandeska". I encourage you to do the same.

Vlasic

Obviously the Vlasic pickle stork is imitating Groucho Marx. I wonder if kids these days would get that. The thing most striking and memorable about this one to me is the bit at the end in Japanese. No doubt it was responsible for generating a ton of pig-Japanese linguistics in grade schools of the day... not from me, though. Really.

In 1986 Maximum Overdrive was released. FINALLY, an adaptation of a Stephen King work directed to precisely meet the author's vision. It was directed by Stephen King himself... He was never allowed to direct again and there was much rejoicing.

Memorable bits from MO: Yeardly Smith in a pre-Lisa Simpson performance repeatedly whining "Curtusss!", and my favorite line "Don't make me a widduh on mah weddin' day!" I love Yeardley Smith and she was supposed to be a shrill woman. She was nowhere near that shrill or annoying when I met her back in '99. She was quite lovely.

Also a favorite line: "You sure make love like a hero" - uddered by Brett (Laura Harrington) to Bill Robinson (Emilio Estevez) after a sweaty and otherwise drab love-making session amidst all the death at the Dixie Boy truck stop.

The most lasting remnant of Maximum Overdrive is the soundtrack by AC/DC. Strangely it was not called Maximum Overdrive -Soundtrack, but Who Made Who: which caused English majors everywhere to stamp their feet and cry "It should be Who Made WHOM!" Still. A good soundtrack and unofficial greatest hits album. I bought the cassette (anyone remember those?) the day after seeing MO at the Hollywood Theatre in downtown Sioux Falls.

Consumer Catalog

They ran Consumer Information catalog all the time in the late 70s/ early 80s. I recall seeing one of these back in the day and they really did have some information on most any subject. You could get the booklets in other public places as well. I recall grabbing a buttload of them and marking them up with my friends to make them funny.




These commercials are responsible for me knowing by heart the zip code of Pueblo Colorado. This information has yet to come in handy.

The Master

The Master came on TV at just the right point in my life. I'd been into martial arts for a while, watching USA Network's Kung Fu Theater and taking Tae Kwon Do. Ninjas were just the coolest. They had the gadgets and the secret death touch, and the mad killing skillz, yo.

The show itself was okay. It was kind of like The Incredible Hulk in that the heroes wandered from town to town, established the characters in the town and then beat the bad guys up. Lee Van Cleef played the Master. He would spout wisdom for a while and when it came time to kick ass, he put on the mask and the stuntman would do the rest. It was long bits of boring plot interrupted by kick-ass fight scenes at 7:25 and 7:50. It was some of the fastest martial arts action on the tube at the time and I loved it for that.


This is obviously the German language version. I used it for it's kick-ass video quality and bass response. Kick ass theme song by Bill Conti.

The new dance craze that's sweeping the nation

Sometimes in the heat of the summer, tossing and turning in the night, I awake with this song going through my head. The only thing that can relieve my anguish is listening to Supertramp in my conversion van at full volume.

R2-D2 caught smoking

Remember this classic PSA? C3PO catches R2 smoking and... wait. Droids don't have lungs. The logic fails pretty quickly.



The main lesson here is that smoking isn't grown up. That's right kids; Smoking is childish. Don't grow up too fast. Stay young as long as you can with Morley Jr. brand cigarettes!

It's for your own good

The best way to reach children who have control over what they eat for lunch is with puppets. Don't listen to the freakin' ostrich! Eat the cake!




Now the preacy puppet is telling you what you can do with your money. I've been saving up for a swell dolly for a while now. Every time I get enough money, they make a better, more expensive dolly. The one I have in mind now is fully functional and cleans up with a hose.




Here they explain what a commercial is. They fail to mention PSAs and other federal obligations.




Hey kids! We know you love the disco music! We can dig. Do you know what else is cool? Puppets and vegetables! Now ease on down the road to... ah, screw it. Eat your damn vegetables or no cake.

Note an early appearance of Toys R Us mascot Jefferey Giraffe.




Another Junior Consumer Tip from the Better Business Bureau. I know some adults who could learn from this one.

Mystery!

'Round about 1980 PBS started airing Mystery! It ran as Mystery! until 2008 when it was absorbed into Masterpiece (formerly Masterpiece Theatre). The point is it had this great intro (see below) that really set the mood for a classic murder mystery full of interesting lurking characters, hidden rooms, maybe even a poisoned pin!!! After the intro it pissed all its potential away by going into an episode of Rumpole of the Bailey or some such cultural dreck that was probably very good, but not nearly as compelling as its intro.

Enquiring Minds

In the 80s, the National Enquirer decided to amp up their public presence through television ads. The ads were priceless. The example below is not the best. My favorite featured the line "Is Marilyn Monroe sending a message from beyond the grave?" Then they cut to a ghostly picture of Marilyn whispering "It was Muh-duh". Alas the intertubes have not yet shown us that gem.

More Toys of my misspent youth

I got a Stretch Monster when I was a kid. I think I used my birthday money, but I can't be sure. I may have wanted a Stretch Armstrong and they were out, I don't know. I prefer to think that Stretch Armstrong was a bit too pro wrestler for me. Either way, it's a lame toy, especially if you're not someone who enjoys playing tug-of-war with a friend... if you have any.




I also had a Six-Million Dollar Man. He came with an engine block to demonstrate his unprecedented strength. He was a 13-inch action figure, which meant he was a bit too big. That didn't stop my sisters from borrowing him for use with barbie (they had no Ken). After a "Barbie date" one afternoon, I came down to the basement to find Steve Austin totally stripped down to his bionic underwear (painted on). Scandalous!

Later I got a Maskatron. While not featured on the series like the bionic bigfoot, he was cool in that he could pose as either Oscar Goldman, Steve Austin, or some generic guy with arched eyebrows. Maskatron had interchangeable arms, featuring a claw-ish thing (possibly for scooping kitty litter), and a suction cup for... erm... picking up Doobie Brothers albums when they fall behind the hi-fi, I guess. He had a compartment in his back for hiding his masks, sort of like Mr. Potatohead does. Of course he had the terrible West World blind robot syndrome. When the mask is removed, the resulting computer-face has no eyes.


I really wanted the Oscar Goldman with exploding briefcase. Goldman was sort of lame in the series. More of a bureaucrat than action dude. He was necessary for exposition and setup of the plot of the show, but hardly worth making into an action figure. The briefcase, though. Wow!

Shrinky-dinks

Back before it was an insult bandied about in the changing room at the public pools, Shrinky-dinks were a do-it-yourself sheet of plastic that turned into a smaller, thicker piece of plastic when placed in the oven. The ones featured in this ad were even radioactive. Fun!

Peanut Butter... Chocolate!

It's delicious!

And believe it or not, this is actually how the Reeses Peanut Butter Cup came into being. Others may have you believe that we took this secret from the Nazis and their unethical experimental test kitchens. Not so. It all started at the Met.

Your teeth and you

It's time to scare kids into brushing their teeth. They'll have to brush after they throw up from some of the startling imagery provided by Yuck Mouth. Yes, that's the immortal Scatman Crothers voicing Yuck, though I'm sure he brushed his teeth. Class act, that one.




Now run to the bathroom to brush, lest the Cavity Creeps come in and conquer toothopolis, plundering the treasury and having their way with the lovely princess Dentin. I'm sorry. I think the analogy broke down on me there somewhere. I get the impression from the commercial that if I keep my mouth full of toothpaste at all times, I'll never get a cavity. I mean if a crack team of fluoride specialists is good, then the a-bomb solution is better. Right?




Now let's round things off with Pearl Drops. Suzie McShinyteeth is assaulted by Goofus McBruceJennerHair. Rather than issuing a restraining order, she gives in to his brutal mating violence.

Not sure what's going on with her accent. I don't know if she's affecting a Farah Faucettesque speech pattern or concealing a deep Scottish brogue. She's hiding something. Perhaps Goofus will be left for dead at the edge of the forest for his crimes against her groceries, while Suzie obsessively licks her shiny teeth all night in her bathroom mirror.

Green Machine! (By Marx)

I SO wanted one of these as a lad. I had a friend or two who had 'em and wouldn't share. Jerks. When the Greeen Machines were the hot thing, I'd already had a full-sized bike with a sweet steel mag wheel, so there's no way in hell my parents would buy me a Green Machine. Sure I could explain all the sweet spin-outs and non-stop fun but that wouldn't change their minds. I could express my concern for safety and the benefits of a lower center of gravity, but they would just pull the ol' "If you're riding that low to the ground, nobody in a car can see you". Stupid logic.

Huffy, the makers of tremendously heavy bicycles, currently makes the Green Machine. Marx went out of business in 1978. Huffy uses too much metal in my opinion. It's just not the same.

When they met, it was murdah!

Like so many other old shows/intros now rediscovered via YouTube, this is so much cheesier than I remembered. I'm not sure which part of the montage of scenes I treasure the most -- the exploding cabin (love those vests), the trap doors, or the trumpet. Fabulous white suit on Robert Wagner, by the way -- no wonder Stefanie Powers ran so quickly into his bed!

What is hamburger?

Chopped ham? What are you, an idiot? It's chopped steak!

Who's selling A1 Steak Sauce? Is it Dick Cavett? No, it's Dick Cavett light. I've got a shiny, new quarter for whoever can tell me who this guy is.

Waffelos and Donutz, yo

I recall getting this as a child.  It seems like it was during a brief time in which my parents would consent to buy any crap cereal we wanted.  The mascot was Waffelo Bill.  Not sure about his horse.  The back of the cereal box had a little cut-out of a western town including livery stable and other things seen in the ol' west.