Your teeth and you

It's time to scare kids into brushing their teeth. They'll have to brush after they throw up from some of the startling imagery provided by Yuck Mouth. Yes, that's the immortal Scatman Crothers voicing Yuck, though I'm sure he brushed his teeth. Class act, that one.




Now run to the bathroom to brush, lest the Cavity Creeps come in and conquer toothopolis, plundering the treasury and having their way with the lovely princess Dentin. I'm sorry. I think the analogy broke down on me there somewhere. I get the impression from the commercial that if I keep my mouth full of toothpaste at all times, I'll never get a cavity. I mean if a crack team of fluoride specialists is good, then the a-bomb solution is better. Right?




Now let's round things off with Pearl Drops. Suzie McShinyteeth is assaulted by Goofus McBruceJennerHair. Rather than issuing a restraining order, she gives in to his brutal mating violence.

Not sure what's going on with her accent. I don't know if she's affecting a Farah Faucettesque speech pattern or concealing a deep Scottish brogue. She's hiding something. Perhaps Goofus will be left for dead at the edge of the forest for his crimes against her groceries, while Suzie obsessively licks her shiny teeth all night in her bathroom mirror.

Green Machine! (By Marx)

I SO wanted one of these as a lad. I had a friend or two who had 'em and wouldn't share. Jerks. When the Greeen Machines were the hot thing, I'd already had a full-sized bike with a sweet steel mag wheel, so there's no way in hell my parents would buy me a Green Machine. Sure I could explain all the sweet spin-outs and non-stop fun but that wouldn't change their minds. I could express my concern for safety and the benefits of a lower center of gravity, but they would just pull the ol' "If you're riding that low to the ground, nobody in a car can see you". Stupid logic.

Huffy, the makers of tremendously heavy bicycles, currently makes the Green Machine. Marx went out of business in 1978. Huffy uses too much metal in my opinion. It's just not the same.

When they met, it was murdah!

Like so many other old shows/intros now rediscovered via YouTube, this is so much cheesier than I remembered. I'm not sure which part of the montage of scenes I treasure the most -- the exploding cabin (love those vests), the trap doors, or the trumpet. Fabulous white suit on Robert Wagner, by the way -- no wonder Stefanie Powers ran so quickly into his bed!

What is hamburger?

Chopped ham? What are you, an idiot? It's chopped steak!

Who's selling A1 Steak Sauce? Is it Dick Cavett? No, it's Dick Cavett light. I've got a shiny, new quarter for whoever can tell me who this guy is.